Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Boom Goes the Dynamite


I figured since I will be writing about my experiences in London for a year and a half that I should probably start out with how I got there. The following is a journal entry of mine from a few months ago: (disclaimer: I'm bad with formatting correctly)

Dear journal,
I have some incredibly exciting news! I have been called to serve as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints. Who would have thought, even four months ago, that I would be going on a mission?! In JUNE of 2013!?!? Oh my goodness so many emotions are flooding through my body right now I wish I could put them in words but I know it’s impossible. I feel crazy anxious, thrilled, beyond nervous, and extremely blessed.
I now need to give you a preface to tonight. Let me try to sum up these past 3 months of my life for you.  These past 3 months have been a few of the hardest months for me in terms of making decisions. Unlike a lot of my friends, when Prophet Thomas S. Monson made the announcement of the mission age change I did not have the incredible impact that I was going to serve. It took 2 1/2 months for me to decide. The announcement was made in October and I turned my papers in on December 25th.
The week after the news came out BYU campus went CRAZY with excitement. I, however, went crazy with decisions. I could be serving a mission in just 7 months??? How would I ever know if a mission was the right choice for my life? I knew that I had a lot of praying and searching to do; so I started.
Admittedly, I realized that the things that were holding me back from wanting to serve were the material things that life offered. To name a few, fitness, dating, work, school, family, and friends.  I have worked so hard to build up my clientele and now I would lose them all? How far behind in school am I going to be when I come back? I will most likely miss Sarah’s wedding. I will miss Jane growing up, and Jett will be 5 when I get back! These are silly temptations but just only a week ago seemed to be still filling my mind with doubts about my mission. Big enough temptations that they were seriously holding me back.
            I know that we are supposed to love everyone but I really don’t like Satan. He has decided to try to become my best worst friend these past few months. I know that he will try to get at anybody who is trying to be righteous and the decision to serve a mission was most definitely something that he knew would help me reach my full potential and he didn’t like that.
One night, over Christmas break, I recorded the following entry in my journal:
1-9-13
“Satan will make you feel that you are not worthy to serve a mission. The other night I laid awake for hours and I could feel Satan so strongly trying to make me feel unworthy. His presence was so strong, I hated it.” I just remember feeling awful inside. Every sin, whether it be big or small, that I had committed had crept into my thoughts and camped out there for the remainder of that never-ending night. When I think back to this night I think the following quote is appropriate: “When Satan reminds you of his past, remind him of his future”. This is a quote that my Mission Prep teacher, Brother Jackson, told us once in class and it has stuck with me.
Only a few weeks after the announcement was made, BYU held a missionary fireside for anyone planning to or thinking about serving. I was so excited for it! Maybe this would give me my answer to my question! As soon as the fireside started I got a gut wrenching sick feeling. I felt nauseous, tired, and horrible all the way around. It got so bad I almost got up and left but decided to push through it and make it through the whole thing. I thought to myself, “maybe this is it. Maybe this is my answer. This sick feeling is Heavenly Father telling me that I do not belong here; a mission is not for me". 
I remember the day that my papers were submitted by the Bishop my thoughts went crazy! I was lying down in bed and kept thinking about it. For some reason I kept having the feeling, “I need to put them in 1 month from now. It’s too soon”. I went home and told my roommate, Leah Copeland. I asked her if it is final once the bishop presses submit or if there is anyway that I could have them postpone it for a month, or so… She then told me that it’s final. She told me that the doubts are only coming from Satan, though. She told me that once I open my call it will be so much better. These words helped, but still the doubt lingered and I just brushed off the words because I had already been trying to tell myself the same thing for months.
I would try so hard to get the excitement to serve just like most of my friends had. Before bed I would watch clips of missionaries, or read talks about serving, I even watched a whole season of “The District” (basically a reality TV show for missionaries). It was at these times that I would get a glimpse of the excitement I wanted. It wouldn’t last, though.  
One of the hardest things for me was differentiating between what promptings were from God and which were from Satan. What if I really wasn’t supposed to go on a mission? What if it was not in Gods plan for me? And what if these doubts were not coming from Satan but rather from God? I read through my patriarchal blessing a lot during this process. It reads, “I bless you, that as you counsel with the Lord, you will have the gift of discernment to be able to distinguish between what is right and wrong and what is true and false.” If I was blessed with this gift then why am I finding it so hard to tell the difference? Could this gift please just kick in already?
To be 100% honest with you, I never truly received my yes answer.
It was not until I read through my patriarchal blessing one night that I knew that I had made the right choice. It reads, “You have a special mission to perform. Satan recognizes your potential for good and will seek to mislead and discourage you. He will attempt to distract to you and entice you onto pathways leading to discouragement and transgression.” Things were starting to become clear now.
My patriarchal blessing has helped me so much in my life. It has been my lighthouse in my dark storms. I have such a strong testimony of my blessing and I continue to find blessings from the Lord in it that comforts me in times of need.
                 It came down to me looking at it as if it was the perfect thing for me to do for my life rather than am I supposed to go on a mission or am I not supposed to go on a mission? I did not need a firm yes or no answer. I needed to know that my Heavenly Father would support me and that this was a good plan for me. I needed to know that he would look after me and take care of me throughout the mission and throughout my life. He would make it the right plan for my life. I look at it a lot like choosing your spouse for eternity; you pick and then you never look back and never think of what could have been. You make it work and there will be struggles beyond belief but you do your absolute best.
               Ok now to the exciting news! My papers went in on Friday, January 25 meaning my call should have come on Wednesday, February 6.  I had planned to open my call that Wednesday night. I sent out the text, got everything put together, including myself, and drove home after classes to check the mailbox. I remember a part of me actually did not want it to be there; I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t in the right state of mind. The night before I prayed to Heavenly Father to help make the envelope come when it was right for me. I told him that if it came Wednesday then I would be opening it that night. If it came any day later, I would open it that Sunday night. Something felt more comforting about Sunday night. Sure enough, the call did not come that day. Surprisingly, I was more discouraged than I thought. I knew, though, that Heavenly Father knew what was up. The following day I got a text from my mom saying, “your call is here!!!”. I was at the library with Sarah and she kept bugging me to just open it that night but I was firm in my decision; I would wait until Sunday night when my whole family could be there and all of my friends. I did not want it to be rushed. I wanted it to be perfect, and it was just that. Sunday came and by now I was getting anxious. The hardest part was when I went home after church and actually had the call in my hands! I kept it by my side all throughout dinner and FHE. The anxiety was building!! I was excited!! I also kept a copy of my patriarchal blessing at hand just in case I needed that reassurance again. Finally, 7 o clock came! My friends and family started rolling in. We got Zane on facetime and I got to talk to him for a little bit before, which was such a blessing. He is an incredible example to me. I miss him. Everybody gathered around after they had all made their predictions and the moment had come! As soon as I opened the envelope and pulled out the letter, my eyes started flooding with tears. They got so blurry I could barely read the letters. I took a deep breath and began reading:
Dear Sister Curtis,
You are hereby called to serve as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the ENGLAND LONDON mission!!!!”  (No, the mission was not all capitalized, but I feel it is the only way to emphasize my excitement). The tears were rolling now and there was no stopping them. Everybody screamed and clapped and I knew immediately that this call was exactly what I needed. It was inspired. It was absolutely perfect for me. The more I think about it the more perfect it gets. There is no doubt in my mind now that this is what Heavenly Father wants for my life. It was an incredibly challenging decision process for me but it was all worth it. Because of the questions I had and the struggles I went through trying to decide, it made it that much better when I opened my call from the Lord. It is safe to say that opening my mission call was one of the best moments of my life. I was with the people I love, who love and support me. I was overcome by the Spirit. I was determined. I was humbled. I was comforted. I was sure. It was perfect. Take that Satan! I know that the struggles are not over. There will be so many times before the mission and during that will challenge me but, if I stay strong, they can only help me to grow.
Love always,
Emily Anne Curtis

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